Traders Are Calling Crime Stoppers On Their Own Positions 🦹

The suspect was last seen buying strength.

Tomorrow Is The First Day Of Awful-gust 😩

August Is Crypto’s Annual Root Canal

Gains Had The Shelf Life Of A Sparkler 🎇

The Cookout Ended And So Did The Rally

They’re SECZ And They Know It 🫢

It's a huge, huge, huge, huge deal for crypto

So, June Sucked 🤔

Let's review the damage, but in a fun way.

Crypto's July, Graded Like Fireworks 🎆

Historical July performance, but they're fireworks reviews

Volume So Low Market Reportedly Just Two Guys And A Bot Keeping Each Other Company 🤖

Lot's of waiting and watching going on

Report: June Contributes To Returns The Way A Hole Contributes To A Boat 🕳️

The Interesting Axis Was Never the Vertical One 🫢

A Big Gann Deep Dive Into BTC and ADA

Crypto In May: Cryptotwits Pawn & Loan Intake Report 🧾

I'm not sure, but I know a guy

The Toll Booth Guys Just Declared War On Roads 🪖

Legacy middlemen are begging the hall monitors to regulate the pavement because people found a route that doesn’t require stopping to kiss the ring.

IRS Participation Trophy: The Q2 Altcoin Market Cap Audit 📛

Spoiler: It sucks.

IRS Field Report: Q2 Is Crypto's Best Quarter. Sort Of. 📛

Special Edition: A 12-Year Forensic Review of Total Market Cap's Second Quarter

March Broke The Five-Month Losing Streak 👍️

Even a butt ugly win is still a win, and we can take any win the market gives us.

🏖️The Spring Break Destination Guide: How Your Crypto Actually Performs in April 🏖️

This was too much fun to write, no one should have this much fun being a nerd.

Crypto March Madness Bracket Report: Three Crypto Blue Chips, Zero Wins After a Red February 😐️

Bitcoin, Ethereum, and XRP

This Rally Feels Like When The Killer Lets You Run For A Bit Before The Third Act 🔪

Code Red: January 2026 Crypto Triage Report 🤕

7 Casualties, 2 Survivors, 0 Apologies

Crypto Singles: February Edition 💘

Swipe Right on History, Swipe Left on Hopium

The Death Cross: Statistically Meaningless, Emotionally Devastating 💗

A lagging indicator with a 50% false signal rate still gets headlines every time. We are not a serious industry.

CSI: CRYPTO - The 2025 Report 🚨

CASE FILE #2025-CRYPTO - STATUS:CLOSED - BODY COUNT: HIGH

No Santa Rally? Good. History Says That's Exactly What January Needs 👍️

What December's performance actually tells you about January - and why the conventional wisdom is mostly wrong

The "Santa Rally" In Crypto: What 12 Years of Data Actually Shows 🧠

Spoiler: It's not as bad or good as you thought. Or think. Or thoughted.

A Christmas Miracle: My Portfolio is Only Down 13% Today 😶

Finding the "ho-ho-hope" in a sea of crimson candles.

November 2025 Crypto Crime Scene Report: Detectives Say Every Chart Was Found Face-Down With No Signs Of Struggle 👮

Q4 is a shite show so far