Today’s Market Forecast: Yes, No, Maybe, Refresh 💹

The only confirmed trend is refreshing.

The Rally Has A Pulse, A Burner Phone, And No Fixed Address 😶

Everyone is nervous, bulls and bears both

Hope And Fear Now Sharing Custody Of The Market On Alternating Days 🎭️

Good then bad then good then bad then good then bad then good then bad

CLARITY AcT Text Is Here 🎭️

Explained as a 5 Act Play. Or Opera. Could be musical theatre too. It's at the end of the newsletter.

Volume So Low Market Reportedly Just Two Guys And A Bot Keeping Each Other Company 🤖

Lot's of waiting and watching going on

Tokenized SpaceX Unwound: How Crypto's Pre-IPO "Access" Collapsed 🤦

Some got their stuffs, others didn't.

Report: June Contributes To Returns The Way A Hole Contributes To A Boat 🕳️

Scientists Confirm The Slow Removal Of A Flex Tape Band-Aid Still Less Cruel Than This Market

Market So Bad Traders Now Longing For Gentle Comfort Of Flex Tape Band-Aid Being Peeled Off Slowly

I’m Ready For Another Hit 👊

Turn-Around-Tuesday strikes again

Crypto To World: Hodl My Beer 🍺

DOGE And Gold Are On The Same Leaderboard And Nobody Thinks That's Weird 😕

omewhere between a dog coin and a 5,000-year-old store of value, the definition of 'crypto exchange' stopped meaning what you think it means.

Spent 24 Hours Not Trusting The Pump And It Turns Out That Was The Correct Emotion 🤠

We Crawled 97% Of The Way Back And I Still Feel Like A Hostage 🥹

So close to whole. So far from healed. 3% more to go.......

The Beaten-Down Kept Building In 2025 🧱

When nobody's coming to save you, you save yourself. Or at least, you try.

Bitcoin Dominance Chart Displays Textbook 'Sweaty Upper Lip' Formation Before Altcoin Bender 🍻

It's not good for maxis, but it's good for everything else

Swift Rip Beats Slow Bleed 🩸

Just do it already *looks away* *holds breath*

Zcash Refuses To Die, Fine Wine Refuses To Ship, Ocean Refuses To Explain 😐️

It's weird out there in crypto today

Chainlink Bags SWIFT 💰️

LINK has essentially pulled a Michael Phelps series of wins

Wake Me Up When September Ends 🗓️

Lest Ye Forget: September sucks. Almost always. Usually.

Crypto ETF Voltron Assembles Tomorrow 🤖

irst multi-coin ETF hits the tape. Also, a look at ETH transactions.

Guy Who Banked The Debanked Gets Debanked By The Guys He Banked 😆

A left handed football bat makes as much sense as what's happening with Justin Sun and the WLFI token

Fifty Shades Of Chainsaw: Crypto Bros Swap Dungeon For Ankle Monitors 🚨

I have no words. This is as funny as it is disturbing as it is unsurprising.

Alts Climb All Week; Weekend Volatility Monster Looms 👾

Also: Trump signed the Genius Act today!

Your Anti-CBDC, CLARITY, and GENIUS Cheat Sheet ☑️

Two Altcoins Set To Pop From Polymarket-X Deal 🤯

Polymarket teams up with X and xAI, promising major gains for two altcoins