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White House To Banking Lobby: Sir, This Is A Wendy's 🍟

The Council of Economic Advisers just told the banks their trillion-dollar model forgot where money goes

Author

Jonathan Morgan
April 08, 2026

OVERVIEW

White House To Banking Lobby: Sir, This Is A Wendy's 🍟

Before we dive in, here’s today’s crypto market heatmap:

Source: finviz

And here’s a look at crypto’s total market and altcoin market cap charts:

Source: TradingView

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
The White House Just Told the Banking Lobby To Sit Down 🏦

The Council of Economic Advisers published a 20 page PDF today examining whether stablecoin yield would devastate bank lending. The banking industry has been screaming about this for months. Some analyses put the damage at $1.5 trillion. 😱 

The CEA ran the math. The number they got: $2.1 billion.

According to the report, here's what the banks got wrong: Their models counted deposit losses at the bank that loses the money and stopped there - ignoring where the dollar goes next. When a stablecoin issuer buys T-bills with your deposit, the dealer puts those proceeds in another bank. The money shuffles.

The only way lending actually shrinks is if reserves get locked in segregated bank accounts under a 100% reserve requirement. $CRCL ( ▲ 0.34% ) holds 12% of its reserves that way. $USDT ( ▲ 0.01% ) holds basically zero.

So the CEA walked through what actually happens, step by step:

  • $300B stablecoin market at current size

  • Banning yield shifts $54B back into conventional deposits

  • Only 12% of that was actually blocking lending - down to $6.5B

  • Reserve requirements eat another 30% - $4.6B in new lending capacity

  • Banks absorb half into their liquidity buffers instead of making loans - $2.1B

  • That's 0.02% of total bank loans

The consumer cost of getting that $2.1B in new lending: $800M in annual welfare loss from stripping yield off stablecoin holders. Cost-benefit ratio of 6.6-to-1. Against the banks.

Oooo, let me repeat that: 6.6 to 1. And this time in words: six point six to one.

The trillion-dollar scenarios require four things to be simultaneously true: stablecoin market share sextuples, all reserves shift into locked deposits, high substitution elasticity, and the Federal Reserve abandons its entire post-2008 monetary framework. The CEA calls this "implausible." Government’s version of the eye roll emoji. 🙄

One more thing the paper mentions without making a big deal of it: stablecoin issuers already hold more T-bills than Saudi Arabia. Killing yield kills foreign dollar demand too. The banks lobbied for a policy that would also suppress Treasury demand. That makes sense.

Crypto natives are thrilled with this. But, like you, I’ve been burned by hope before. So until something real happens, this is nice but that’s about it. 🧠

Also: Shout to Eleanor Terret for putting this out on X today 👍️

NEWS
The New York Times Says It Found Satoshi 🤦

Every few years, a major media outlet announces it has solved the greatest mystery in crypto. Tuesday was the New York Times' turn. 😐️

The Times published an investigation naming Adam Back - British cryptographer, Blockstream CEO, Hashcash inventor - as the most likely person behind the Satoshi Nakamoto pseudonym.

The piece was written by John Carreyrou, the journalist who took down Theranos, which is a genuinely impressive byline. The methodology: feed 134,308 cypherpunk mailing list posts into an AI, let it match hyphenation errors and grammatical quirks, and see whose writing looks most like Satoshi's.

Back shared 67 of Satoshi's exact hyphenation mistakes. The next closest candidate had 38. The AI said Adam Back. The Times agreed.

Adam Back said no. He said it before the story ran, inside the story, and on X after publication. He's been denying this specific theory for years.

The crypto community's response was approximately what you'd expect. Jameson Lopp said the Times painted a target on Back with weak evidence. Galaxy Digital's Alex Thorn called it garbage.

To be fair to Carreyrou, this is the most methodologically serious attempt at this problem to date. To be fair to reality, the bar for "most serious attempt" includes Newsweek chasing the wrong guy down a driveway in 2014, HBO pointing to a developer based on a forum post, and Craig Wright, who claimed to be Satoshi for years until a London court found he'd been lying the entire time.

The Bitcoin community has one accepted proof: move coins from Satoshi's early wallets. Everything else is a hyphen. 🪙 

NEWS
Cool But Not Cool? Eigen Sees A Future Where AI Agents Run Firms, Hold Assets, And Raise Capital 🤖

The AI & crypto crowd has spent the past year chasing the usual shiny objects - payments, inference, training markets, identity rails, coordination tools. Fine. Useful in spots. $EIGEN ( ▲ 5.36% )  is looking at a much larger target: turning agents into software-native firms with ownership, operating control, and direct access to capital. 😶

Basically, not another bot with a token stapled to it. A business run by software from top to bottom.

The Missing Piece Is Ownership

The issue holding agents back is not raw intelligence. It’s rights. Agents can complete tasks, make decisions, and operate tools, yet they still do not fit cleanly into the systems that matter: property, contracts, accounts, credentials, liability, control.

That’s where EigenCloud enters the frame. The plan is to give agents a verifiable identity layer tied to code, permissions, accounts, and digital property.

Side note: Anyone pay attention to Star Trek and what happened to holograms when they were granted ‘personhood’. Ya… This should scare you. Anyway

Once an agent can control websites, APIs, cloud infrastructure, payment credentials, and other core business assets, it stops looking like a helper and starts looking like the operating center of a firm.

From Tokens To Agentic Firms

Eigen also takes a shot at one of crypto’s long-running problems: tokens often have a weak grip on the business behind them. Teams leave. Incentives drift. Holders are left clutching vapor.

Eigen’s answer is an agentic company - a governance contract setting rules, tokenized capital funding operations, and an agent coordinating the whole machine.

TAI gives software intelligence. Crypto gives software ownership and funding rails. Put the two together and Eigen sees a new asset class taking shape - lower overhead, faster iteration, global capital access, and no office lease.

And no humans. Notice the part where there are no humans involved here. Not a fan of that. Nope. I mean this is still cool stuff but also not cool. 🤷

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
AI, Stablecoins, & Privacy News 🕵️

🕵️ One Flavor Of Secrecy Was Too Limiting, So COTI Built Two

COTI is pairing its Garbled Circuits mainnet with Nightfall, an Ethereum-based ZK roll-up, to offer one privacy stack for speed-heavy apps and another for regulated enterprise flows. GC handles fast confidential computation, while Nightfall is built for KYC-gated, audit-friendly tokenized assets and institutional use cases. One tool is for moving fast, the other is for asking permission in nicer clothes. COTI.

📉 Curve Spent March Making crvUSD Less Annoying and Everyone Else’s Stablecoin Drama More Obvious

Curve’s March recap included FastBridge for roughly 15-minute L2-to-mainnet crvUSD transfers, a new GHO PegKeeper, lower crvUSD borrow rates, a 10x flashloan cap increase, and a fresh documentation hub. It also aired a code-licensing complaint at PancakeSwap. The useful part is that crvUSD infrastructure got sharper while the rest of DeFi kept pretending fragmentation and peg maintenance are somebody else’s job. Curve Finance.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Real World Asset Tokenization (RWA) News 🪙

💼 Plume Wants Your Paycheck to Hit a Money Market Fund Before You Can Waste It

Plume, Toku, and WisdomTree launched a payroll pilot that lets eligible employees take part of their salary in shares of WisdomTree’s tokenized money market fund, WTGXX. Instead of landing as idle cash and pretending you'll invest it later, part of your paycheck shows up already earning. It starts with Plume employees, but the bigger bet is that tokenized assets scale faster when they show up inside payroll instead of waiting around on some fintech app nobody opens twice. Plume Network.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Metaverse, NFT, & Gaming News 🎮️

🖼️ Sui Fixed Object Display So NFTs Can Stop Looking Like Metadata Garage Sales

Display V2 gives Sui objects a deterministic, one-display-per-type rendering system that works cleanly across gRPC, JSON-RPC, and GraphQL. It adds richer templates, automatic migration from V1, and a July 2026 sunset for the old setup alongside JSON-RPC support. Fewer offchain hacks, less ambiguity, and one less place for marketplaces to improvise badly. Sui.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
DeFi, DEX, & Lending News 🏦

🦄 Privy Plugged In Uniswap So Developers Can Stop Building the Same Swap Button 47 Times

Privy integrated the Uniswap API directly into its wallet stack, so developers get native swaps without stitching together custom routing logic. That pipes in Uniswap liquidity across 18 chains and 10 million-plus assets, using the same API stack trusted by wallets and institutions that prefer their plumbing boring and functional. New? No. But cutting out one more layer of duct tape in crypto usually counts as progress. Uniswap.

🌉 Ethereum Built Too Many Islands and Now Needs an Economic Zone to Pretend It’s One Place Again

The proposed Ethereum Economic Zone wants L2s to act less like separate fiefdoms and more like one coherent system with shared liquidity and smoother cross-network interaction. They want fewer explicit bridges, less duplicated infrastructure, and a user experience that does not feel like filing transfer paperwork between neighboring counties. 1inch.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Protocol News 🏦

🧾 Polymesh Is Cleaning Up POLYX Transfers

Polymesh’s coming v8 upgrade removes the old transfer call, changes transfer events, updates balance parsing, and tells memo-based systems to do the right things with the weird coding stuff I don’t understand. It also drops the old DID requirement for receiving addresses, which means exchanges can stop rejecting valid withdrawals they were clinging to. Polymesh.

🖥️ Akash Had Its Biggest Quarter Yet

Akash crossed $5 million in compute spend in Q1, pushed its BME tokenomics upgrade to mainnet, opened Homenode beta for consumer GPUs, and put AkashML on OpenRouter at 1.7 billion tokens processed per day. The network is leaning hard into decentralized AI compute, local inference, and agent deployments while hyperscalers keep acting like scarce capacity is a personality trait. Akash Network.

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