OVERVIEW

A Memecoin Wiener Came From Behind To Beat Half The Boobs On OnlyFans 🏆️

Before we dive in, here’s today’s crypto market heatmap:

And here’s a look at crypto’s total market and altcoin market cap charts:

BITCOIN
Supply Of BTC On Exchanges 🔢

Really quick, here’s how much Bitcoin is left on the exchanges. 👀 

1.2M. That’s it. The last time it was this low was eight years ago.

December 2017.

That’s all. 💁 

MEMECOINS
Funniest Memecoin Story I’ve Heard In Years 🤣

We could all use something funny right now. And, ladies and gentlemen, this is funny. 😂

So, every Thursday we host a community space on the Cryptotwits X, and today dear readers, we were treated to one of the craziest and insane memecoin stories ever.

Meet $SMOL ( ▲ 83.97% )

A rescued Alabama dachshund (not a breed, but the State where she was rescued) who survived a hoarding situation, went hungry in a shelter, then pulled off a 5-day post-spay escape like some kind of canine Jason Bourne before finally finding some people in a van who got her into said van with McDonalds.

And that becomes her forever home. To be clear, the people who got her into a van with McDonalds are her forever home, not the van. Anyway.

Now she lives the pampered life - treats, spa days, the whole nine yards - and her owner decided to document this journey on... OnlyFans.

Yes. OnlyFans. For a dog. Posting wholesome content. Derpy faces. Snack videos. Zero adult themes. Just pure rescue love and wiener dog energy.

Then someone said "you know what this needs? A token." And SMOL was born on pump.fun as allegedly the first memecoin with a verified OnlyFans account.

Oh, but that wasn't it. Nope. Then I get this gem of a screenshot:

This rescue dachshund is in the top 52% of all OnlyFans creators.

This is the first time in recorded history that a wiener has outperformed boobs. A literal rescue dog is doing better than half the girls on the platform.

There might be hope for humanity after all. 🙏 

NEWS
🔗 Chainlink Just Keeps Stacking W's - Lands Exclusive Coinbase Deal 🤯

Another week, another massive enterprise falling into $LINK ( ▼ 0.99% )’s orbit. :

$COIN ( ▲ 0.6% ) just named Chainlink CCIP the exclusive bridging infrastructure for its entire wrapped asset lineup - cbBTC, cbETH, cbDOGE, cbLTC, cbADA, and cbXRP - representing roughly $7 billion in assets.

Not preferred provider. Not one of several options. Exclusive.

The winning streak is absurd at this point. Swift. Mastercard. UBS. Fidelity. Euroclear. ANZ. And now the largest publicly-traded crypto company in the world is handing Chainlink the keys to its cross-chain future.

The "LINK is just an oracle token" crowd grows quieter by the quarter.

Why Coinbase Went All-In

Bridge hacks have vaporized billions in user funds across crypto. When you're a public company with regulatory scrutiny and $7B in wrapped assets on the line, you don't experiment - you pick the infrastructure that's already securing 70% of DeFi and has processed $27 trillion in transaction volume without catastrophic failure.

Chainlink was the only serious answer.

How do Stocktwits users feel about Chainlink? Well, they’re solidly bearish. Getting close to Extremely Bearish, but no quite.

At some point, "Chainlink wins again" stops being news and starts being inevitability. We're approaching that point. 👍️

STOCKTWITS
Hey, We’re Doing Podcasts Now 😱

Yes, you’ll be able to see and hear me soon. But this first episode is the very first of a new podcast we’re doing titled True Odds and it features our very own @mikeymarkets and @JoeyRockets. 🚀

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
AI, Stablecoins, & Privacy News 🕵️

🤖 SKALE Says AI Agents Can't Scale on Public Mempools

SKALE on Base gives agents private, gasless, instant execution without leaving the liquidity. The problem: autonomous agents broadcasting strategies to visible mempools is basically inviting MEV bots to dinner. SKALE's BITE protocol encrypts transactions before broadcast and only decrypts after finalization, removing the visibility window entirely. SKALE Network.

🔐 Horizen Launched a Privacy L3 on Base

A Confidential Compute Environment using TEEs is coming early 2026. The proof-of-work chain migrated to an EVM-native Layer 3 that settles to Ethereum through Base - faster transactions, lower fees, and full ecosystem compatibility. ZEN is already trading on Binance, Coinbase, OKX, Aerodrome, and Uniswap with unchanged 21 million supply. Horizen.

📺 COTI Partnered With AdPriva to Kill Surveillance Advertising

No cookies, no behavioral profiles, no data sales. AdPriva uses AI to match ads based on page content instead of user tracking, while COTI's encrypted vaults let users store ad preferences that nobody - not even AdPriva - can see. The system computes whether an ad matches your preferences without revealing what those preferences are. COTI Network.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Real World Asset Tokenization (RWA) News 🪙

🇬🇧 The UK Published a Payments Roadmap and Quant Already Built It

Sometimes being early actually pays off. The Payments Vision Delivery Committee wants multi-money interoperability, programmable payments, and account-to-account at point of sale - basically a complete re-architecture of retail infrastructure. Quant says their QuantNet and Quant Flow already deliver all five strategic outcomes the UK described. Quant.

💰 PLUME Just Listed on Coinbase

Two weeks after Upbit's KRW listing, Plume's token is now available to Coinbase's 120 million monthly users across retail, pro, and institutional interfaces. The RWA-focused chain already has 280K+ holders and more than 50% of all RWA investors on the network. Plume Network.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Metaverse, NFT, & Gaming News 🎮️

🏛️ Decentraland Rebuilt Genesis Plaza for People Who Actually Show Up

The redesign adds a central firepit hub, game arena, theater, DCL Store with a runway, and a Hall of Fame for community standouts. A new "Go to Crowd" button teleports you to wherever people are actually hanging out. Also there are airdrop drones and hungry pigeons, because metaverse. Decentraland.

🎫 World ID Is Fighting Ticket Scalpers With Proof of Humanity

86.5% of major ticketing traffic is automated, so honestly this is overdue. Ricardo Arjona's tour is launching the first ticket sale reserved exclusively for verified humans - no bots, no scalpers, no unfair queues. World ID confirms each buyer is unique without storing personal data, starting in Guatemala and expanding across the US and Latin America. Worldcoin.

STOCKTWITS POLL
When Will Bitcoin Make A New All-Time High? 🤔 

Take this poll. 👇️

Toss up for me, I’m one leg in the March 31 camp and the other in the June 30 camp. What about you? 🤷 

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
DeFi, DEX, & Lending News 🏦

📉 Curve Fixed the Borrow Rate Volatility Everyone Complained About

crvUSD's borrow rate was swinging wildly due to PegKeeper debt fluctuations, and users hated it - even though the average rate matched Aave's USDC at 6.83%. Curve DAO approved two parameter changes on December 3rd: increasing TargetFraction and lowering rate0 by 10% to smooth things out. EMA smoothing is next. Curve Finance.

🏦 Copper Now Lets You Mint Ethena Assets Without Leaving Custody

Unified custody just got more useful. First custodian to enable native USDe mint and redeem directly on platform - no external wallets, no platform-hopping. Flowdesk says it streamlines their OTC operations and lets them earn rewards in one place. Ethena.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Protocol News 🏦

⚡ NEAR Hit 1 Million TPS on Consumer Hardware

The benchmark used real NEAR code across 70 shards on $900ish/month Google Cloud machines - no supernodes, no proprietary sequencing. This validates the thesis that sharding is the path to actual scalability, not just marketing scalability. Most of the optimizations are already on mainnet, with the rest shipping in version 2.12. NEAR Protocol.

🌐 Algorand Goes Full P2P, Relay Nodes Optional

Native peer-to-peer networking is live on mainnet, letting nodes connect through a decentralized mesh instead of depending on centralized relays. Hybrid mode keeps both options running while the network transitions - full P2P becomes default in Q1 2026. Your IP gets shared with the Repeaters you connect to, so home operators should check their privacy settings. Algorand.

🧱 Hedera Mirror Node Operators Have Until May to Upgrade

Block Nodes are now in private preview, replacing cloud bucket storage with decentralized streaming infrastructure for network data. Mirror Nodes must upgrade to v0.148.0 before June's consensus node release or lose data ingestion entirely. Community access opens Q1 2026, so operators have time to test - but not that much time. Hedera.

LINKS
Links That Don’t Suck 🔗

🤖 Grayscale’s Bittensor ETF Makes Public Debut – Fails To Lift Token Price Amid Crypto Market Slump

🕹️ Nvidia CEO Reportedly Spoke To Trump On The Importance Of Keeping Chinese Developers On The American Tech Stack, Says Howard Lutnick

🌊 Anthony Pompliano Says Fed Liquidity Move Could Lift Bitcoin And Tech Stocks, But Weigh On The Dollar

☁️ CoreWeave Announces Cloud Deal To Power Runway’s AI Video Generation Models

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Author Disclosure: The author of this newsletter holds positions in AVAX, ADA, PUDGY, WLC, IMX, XTZ, NEAR, HBAR, ALGO, INJ, LTC, LINK, ZEC, XLM, and FET. 📋